Just Go Away Harry
by dinabar
Summary: Missing scene from 'A Guilty Mind'.  Why does Nikki send Harry away when he turns up at her flat the first time?
1. Chapter 1

_Missing scene from 'A Guilty Mind.' It's been bothering me that Nikki didn't let Harry in, the first time he goes round to her flat, and also why Harry didn't insist. This doesn't change the rest of the story but hopefully slots in. Please look away now, if you're in the mood for light and fluffy….it's not here. Also rated T for a reason. If you want to know how the episode should really end then read 'Greylostwho's Fault Line' Brilliant stuff._

**Just Go Away Harry**

"Harry, I'm just so tired, please go away." Nikki's voice was disconnected, worried, confused.

"Bollocks! No!" insisted Harry sternly.

"I haul you off a gurney in the cutting room, with no explanation, I sit through a tirade on why God allows evil in the universe. You blew off my offer to take you to lunch and then I get a desperate phone call telling me you're just about to be arrested. I've tried to listen and I've tried to let you have it your way, but enough is enough Nikki. Open this damn door."

"But Harry I just need some sleep," her voice was whiny now.

"Nikki, I'm sure your neighbours have heard quite enough, you can sleep if you wish, just open this door," and with that Harry reached in and pushed the chain back and tried to release it from its catch.

Nikki had two choices, help and unlock the chain, or slam the door onto Harry's wrist and fingers. The mood she was in, he was taking a big risk, putting his precious fingers in her line of fire. But for once being left handed was an advantage, and he opened the door himself.

"May I come in?" he said pointedly, still standing out in the hallway.

Nikki just backed away from the door, her gaze on her toes.

"I'll take that as a yes then," he said, shutting the door as he made his way passed her and into the flat.

"Nikki, what is going on? How can I help?"

There was no reply, no movement even. She just stood there staring at the floor.

"Nikki," he soothed, taking a step towards her.

"Don't touch me!" she cried, backing away from him.

"Nikki? What is the matter? What has got into you? Did something happen this afternoon?"

"Nothing happened Harry, it was all a misunderstanding, it's all over. I'm just…I'm just"

"Tired" supplied Harry.

"Frightened," corrected Nikki.

Harry took a deep breath. He was in dangerous territory now. There were many people in the world that had the capacity to piss him off, but only two who could press his buttons quite so efficiently. One was his mother, and one was the woman in front of him, even when she was a mere shadow of her usual self. He really wasn't in the mood for a fight.

"Nikki?" he begged. They'd been here before, she denied it of course but deep down he still suspected she was scared of his temper. But why now, he was the picture of calmness. Well he was until she'd started talking..

"Not of you Harry," she said quietly.

"Just of me."


	2. Chapter 2

Harry shuddered. What exactly was she telling him. How he wished he could decode these conversations as easily as he could have an argument with her. There was no way he could face her and have a serious discussion so he went for the diversion.

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked .

"Oh, Harry, no I'm really not in the mood," her eyes had dropped back to the floor, but he noticed however tired she claimed to be, she never once looked longingly in the direction of her bedroom.

"Come on, nothing big, I bet you've got some soup in here somewhere." Harry bustled into her kitchen and started opening cupboards. He found the box he was looking for, and started to fill the kettle.

"So how long has the insomnia been going on then?" he called casually over his shoulder.

"Ever since, ever since…" she didn't need to finish.

"And you've tried all our tried and tested remedies?" he asked still trying to keep the mood light.

"Nightmares are a speciality of mine," he said with a grin.

It had no effect on Nikki. She hovered in the entrance to the kitchen, half in half out and then started mumbling.

"relaxing bath, check.

Alcohol, check.

Bad T.V. check.

Horror movie, check.

Every DVD I possess, check

Book reading, check

Medication, check

Crosswords, check

Counting sheep, check

Cleaning, check."

"I did think the place looked a bit tidy," Harry tried but he was beginning to wonder if it would have been better if he'd just gone home.

"Harry, I've exhausted the possibilities, I lie awake filling my head with anything to stop hearing those screams, or seeing that poor girls face staring up at me. I can't do it, nothing will make it stop. Nothing." Nikki curled herself into the doorframe her hands over her ears.

"Listen to me Nikki," Harry said, carefully removing her hands from her ears and placing himself in front of her, but quickly letting go of her hands.

"You are not responsible for what happened. I know you feel guilty and you want to help, but it is not your fault. She was eight year's old. Where were her parents? You do not let an eight year old child walk themselves home from school on their own, across wasteland in this day and age. I know nothing about parenting Nikki, but even I know that."

"So now, you're just blaming someone else!" she shot back.

"Nikki! No you know just as well as I do that Bodle is to blame, but you cannot take this all on yourself, you're making yourself ill," Harry replied.

"Go and sit down," he said before she had the chance to continue.

"Your soup's ready."

He could see her hands trembling as she held the mug to her lips. He sat down at the opposite end of the table, and nursed his coffee for a while.

When he thought she must have drunk about half of it, he plucked up the courage to ask the question he didn't want to hear the answer to.

"What are you frightened of Nikki?"

There was no answer right away. What could terrify her that much that she didn't even want to let him in on it?

"Bodle's locked up, you know that don't you," he said.

"But I still see him," she replied.

Harry hardly recognised her voice, it was so cold, and tinged with fear and the hatred he'd heard in her voice in the locker room the other day. He was right to have been worried about her but he had no idea just how dark things had become.

"I have to get that face out of my mind." Her voice was growing stronger by the second and now she had started talking there was no stopping her.

"I've tried everything I can think of these last few days Harry, short of breaking into his mental hospital and finishing him off myself. But don't imagine I haven't thought about it. And two nights ago, I decided to try the wine bar up the road to see if some meaningless sex could finally shift that face.."

Harry didn't really want her to continue, but she was oblivious to him.

"Did it work?"

"I'd got dressed again, but caught my reflection on the way to the door, I was too tired to bother doing my hair over again, so I just went back to bed in my clothes."

Harry sighed.

Even Nikki, seemed somewhat more peaceful after this confession.

"Please let me help you." Harry said, reaching across the table to take her hands in his.

"No, Harry, no, get away from me," she shrieked pulling her hands out of his reach.

"Nikki, what is wrong with you?" Harry shouted.

"I don't need you here, I don't need you here. Please go, please go." Nikki started mumbling.

"I am not leaving until I find out what I have done to upset you so much." Harry replied. He lifted her head out of her hands and stared into her tear stained face.

"I don't need you," she repeated a tear rolling down her cheek.

"I don't need you."


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't believe you," Harry stated calmly.

"So, the great Nikki Alexander is scared to admit she finally has a chink in the armour, and might finally have to be honest with someone and let them in and let them help. Really Nikki? Is that what this is all about?"

"No, Yes, No."

"It's not what you think Harry," she managed to say between the tears.

"Then please feel free to enlighten me," because this is not carrying on.

"You really want to know? You want to know why I don't want you here, and why I can't let you near me. Because I am desperate for a good night's sleep, Harry. I don't know if you can comprehend how strong that desire is. It is the driving force behind my whole existence at the moment it seems. And as I lay awake imagining scenarios of me drifting into a dreamless sleep. You are always there Harry, and it would be so easy, just so easy."

Harry was not sure he was following, but stayed where he was.

Nikki stood up and took a step towards him.

"So easy," she continued. "Oh Harry, the nightmares are so bad." She said using a caricature of her voice.

"Please help me!" I'd say, and you would take a step towards me and hold me in your arms. You'd kiss the top of my head like you always do, and just when it was time for you to pull away, I'd look you in the eye and ask you to stay, and then I'd so lightly brush your lips with mine and you'd look at me and.."

"Nikki! Stop this at once!" Harry demanded. It was his turn to clap his hands over his ears and back away from her.

"How dare you, how dare you think you could use me like that? Are you out or your mind?"

"Very probably," she admitted sadly.

"That's why you wouldn't let me in?" he asked incredulously.

There was a small nod in reply.

"Just how bad is this Niks?" he asked more sympathetically but he was unable to keep all the anger out of his voice.

"it's bad Harry," she admitted.

"You won't tell Leo again," she stammered.

"Just be quiet for a minute, I need to think." Harry said.

Harry walked out of the kitchen purposefully and across to the bedroom. He heard her shudder as he opened the bedroom door.

"Come in here and get ready for bed," he demanded, disappearing into her bathroom area.

Nikki did as she was told. She had no care that she was undressing with nothing more than a beaded curtain between them, she had no idea if Harry was going to take her up on her offer or never speak to her again. So she silently changed into her pyjamas.

Harry was anything but silent. He was rooting through her medicine cabinet, opening boxes and stuffing pills into his pockets. When he was finally satisfied that he had removed temptation from her he came out.

"You can go brush your teeth now, you can have these back a sheet at a time when you show me the ones I've left you are empty," he stated.

"Harry!" Nikki scoffed.

"I'm not taking any chances," he replied frostily.

"Well don't take my kitchen knives, the way my day's going you'll be arrested on the way home and you'll have a hard time explaining why you have a pocket full of painkillers and a collection of knives," she said.

It wasn't a great sentiment, but it was the closest Harry had come all evening to talking to the real Nikki.

"Come on," he said, as if cajoling an unwilling child. "It's bedtime, clean those teeth and get into bed."

Nikki went into the bathroom. She could hear Harry crashing about the rest of the flat, but had no idea what he was up to.

"Ah, found it!" she heard him say.

He returned to her bedroom and dropped a dog-eared book on the bed.

"Agatha Christie?" she asked.

"Harry I've read it a million times."

"Exactly", he said "You'll be asleep before Chapter 3."

There was no way she could ask him to stay. Not after what she had said. Why couldn't she have just picked a fight with him and made him go. It would be so much easier to apologise for tomorrow.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Harry said.

"Tomorrow," yawned Nikki.

And with that he was gone.

Nikki wandered through to the kitchen for a glass of water. Her cutlery drawer was sellotaped shut and there was a post it stuck on the edge.

'I need you' was all it said.

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All characters and situations belong to the BBC.

**A bit of a departure from my usual stuff, not entirely sure I'm entirely comfortable with it, but then it's not exactly comfortable material. I'd love to know what you think, even if you think I'm way off base. Any feedback is always hugely appreciated. Thanks D**


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